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Comments on "You're Selling the House" please? This was the first of 2. The 2nd was "This Goodbye." |
You're selling the house where I grew up with its dog-yard ghosts and old man maple tree. From the attic, its diary, the gabled roof slopes, ridge to eaves, dolefully. You'd think it knew you're leaving nesting friends, feathered orphans, cooing in mid-air . . . you're selling kind window eyes with a realtor's sign on Canal Street. Don't sell my home . . . Not my basement of bicycle tires, roller skates and humming furnace fires clicking on and off like mateless castanets. Don't sell the basement stair walls hung with winter coat portraits of all my family. Don't sell the basement clothes line stretched by our mongrel, Jeff, as he sunk his milk-boned teeth into your percale sheets. And don't make rhythmic ghosts of our feet meting out the fourteen front stairs beat countless nights to the table and our repast, all those mornings to breakfast, school and Mass, living life in a fable. I think it's lovely, I like everything about it very much except the occasional rhyming. There didn't seem to be any pattern to the rhymes, and though they were good and not trite, I feel it distracted from the natural voice of the poem. However, I really liked it very much. The subject matter, a house being sold, is a mundane, unemotional topic and you turned it into an artful plea for your childhood. The words you chose were great, not over-reaching, but not boring. Excellent poem. Work on the rhyming, (just decide whether or not you want it to rhyme), and work a bit on the rhythm, otherwise a very pleasing poem. Margot, I second Willow's comments. What I like in this poem is the specific evocative detail you add. Examples: old man maple tree. you're selling kind window eyes with a realtor's sign on Canal Street. clicking on and off like mateless castanets milk-boned teeth There were more that was just an example of a few. You paint a very clear picture for your reader. The rhyme detracted a little at points, but I was still drawn through the poem by your excellent imagery. Form the maple tree to: It's singing, "Margot, you are as much my poem as I am your one and only home. Don't leave me!" You use personification extremely well. Give me back my home. Give me back my history. And that was an excellent ending. Outside of working with the rhyme either more or less of it, I didn't have any structure changes to suggest. I hope some of that rambling feedback helps. Beautiful work. I loved your poem. It was very endearing to me cause I am in the process of moving out of my house that I've been living in for most of my life. It is hard to let go of all the memories that have been shared with this house and yet there are so many reasons for why I must move on. I was very happy someone could put my feelings about my own house in writing. It seems as if it was just yesterday that my parents got a divorce and I moved here to live with my mom, aunt, and grandma and now it is time for me to move on and to not look back at the past. I loved your poem and keep writing. These are very beautiful creations only the most spirited people could write. Beautifully done! The imagery is wonderful! Suggestion: Keep the pronouns consistent, either drop the 'your' or change it to 'our' percale sheets. Don't sell the basement clothes line stretched by our mongrel, Jeff, as he sunk his milk-boned teeth into percale sheets. Sorry, I couldn't help it but to join in the playful mood you created. This is not quite your music but, well thank you for creating this playfulness. I want to go home, hear the old house croon " we're knit together on memory's loom Margot, my poem and history's tune." |
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