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| *Vultures Knob>>>Dirt Bike |
This is poem I promised to write for ally. It is hers, but please tell me if you like it.? |
Family Growing up we were inseperable, like grass and morning dew I always thought down in my soul, I'd always have you Deep down in my heart of hearts, inevitably we would part The time flew by, and the time has come, our lives to start. Ballet and dirt bikes, what a pair that we were breakups and crying and even some scares we always stood together, through thick and through thin Well always be sisters,even though were only cousins All through High school, you were always there someone to confide in, someone who would care I've dreaded this day, since I realized it would come Two sister together, I'll always think of us as one. Four years ago, college took the two of us apart And now it is time for us both, a new start I'll remember the times, the times that we shared You always kept me going, because I knew that you cared. This is really good. Would you consider letting her publish your poems if you got a commission? Seriously, think about publishing a book of poetry. You are really good at writing poems. Awww. That is such an adorable poem. She'll definitely love it :] It is great and I really think that it would touch the person that it is for because it wasn't even for me and it touched me. She is a really good poem writer and should put this somewhere like publish it. Family I'll always think of us as one, We were inseparable children, like grass and morning dew ballet and dirt bikes, breakups and crying, scares, we always stood together, through thick and thin always sisters, even though we were cousins Deep down, I thought I'd always have you All through High school, you were always there, someone to confide in, someone who cared Then, four years ago, college took us apart Poetry is boiling down the essence an eliminating extraneous words. You had a nice rhyming poem, although some parts repeated or seemed weak in execution. TLOvely thought and sad too. the poem is certainly nice. i'm a poet and editor and the person who had the audacity to rewrite your poem is wrong. poetry is not only boiling down to the essentials. "serious" poets often look upon rhyming as childish--but it serves a very important purpose in your poem. the rhyming and half rhymes create couplets--the form supporting the theme of the two people always being together. this element also keeps the poem from being too sad. even though life situations take you apart--the continued couplets suggest that there is an ongoing element (soomething elemental) that keeps you together at some level. now, i do think there are elements that are a bit redundant--or cliched. "through thick and thin," "you were always there." you might try to find a concrete (sense detail) to replace these lines. would you consider putting the last two lines in the present tense--seals the deal of continuity--a heart sob. "i remember the times; the times we that we share you always keep me going, because i know that you care." good luck on your journeys. Aww, that is the most sweetest poem I have ever read, this is the best one you wrote, I'm really impressed, keep up the good work. |
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