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| *Vultures Knob>>>Bmx Bike |
Any comments on this poem? Thank you.? |
Like is Fiction Pedaling down a familiar street on a red bmx bike, wearing a blue summer dress, I brake hard. I fly over the top of that concrete wall and pick a pomegranate for you because I like you. We eat it, pucker our lips, squint our eyes and feel mischievous. And I've stained my blue summer dress. Hi Sara, I like this. I really do. Unlike some of your other reviews I don't feel this is a short story just a poem that could use some trimming and thought to refine what you are saying. You may want to pare it down a bit. Here are few comments. First image (lines 1-2): Pedaling is good it keeps the poem from feeling static. "familiar street"--you could probably come up with something more evocative here, something that engages the senses a little more. The red bmx bike is a nice specific detail. Second image (line 3): I like the blue summer dress. I like that you are introducing colors into my mind first red now blue. I'm not crazy about "wearing". It tells us you're clothed but that's all it gives us. Maybe something to show the speed of the bikes affect on the dress. I love that you use few words in the poem, but it does mean you have to maximize the ones you do use). Line 4: fine, though you may want to put an image in as to why you had to brake hard. It could be short (i.e., something with a cat, pothole, car, etc) just something to fix the scene more clearly in the reader's mind. Line 5: You could remove "I" here. You could also remove "the top of". Line 6-7: A little random here, but I like it. You could eliminate "for you" Line 8: Maybe something like "Juices roll down, lips pucker, our eyes squint" Line 9: You could probably just go with "mischievous" here. Line 10: You could drop the "and" here. That was a quick initial pass. I am not trying to rewrite your poem at all just give you some feedback. I appreciated the critique you gave to me--I wanted to return the favor (which isn't painful at all if I enjoy the poem--Which I did). You have a very clean, original writing style. Thanks for sharing. hmm, a bit cranky.... nice poem keep creating such trash!!!! Try something that rhyme or would encourage the reader to use their imagination. Try also reading real poem i think that it is story but not a poem Try something more moving, romantic, extraordinary. This one is just down to earth. Nice trying anyway :)) complete crap...not poetry! |
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