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Help how do I help grand-daughter, aged almost 7?She is afraid of everything!? |
My granddaughter is tall, blond and very beautiful, with naturally curly hair. She sings and plays violin. She is bi-lingual. She has a lot going for her: 3 sets of grand-parents to dote on her, happily married parents, both smart and responsible, and present in her life. Her parents constantly tell her she needs to use inside voice, use your words, calm down, etc. But, she screams at bugs, a scratch on her arm, or a broken cookie. A fall from her bike will send her into a hysterical fit, complete with sobs and hyperventilation. When she visits me, about 2 times a week, I try to downplay her little hissies, and make light of her over-reaction. I tell her she "can take it," that she is tougher than she ever imagined. She looks at me as if I were from outer-space. I amazes me that she has so little confidence. It's as if her parents trying to protect her, and provide her a great life has made her insecure somehow. Is there anything to do for this "drama queen"? Lottie, I am a grandmother, too. You said wonderful things about your granddaughter and her parents. She sings, plays violin, her parents provide for her. Are they both high-achievers professionally? Is their home immaculate and organized? Is your granddaughter's time scheduled hour by hour, not to let in room for kid fun? Does her family brag about her achievements, instead of her inner loving qualities, her character? I'm speculating, because I don't know all the circumstances, truly. Do you think perhaps her parents are expecting too much from her, singing, playing musical instruments (which I'm sure include alot of disciplned practice). Perhaps she is afraid because deep down she feels she cannot measure up to her parents expectations. Do her parents spend quality time with her? I'm not including her studytime, practice time, but getting grubby in the back yard, you know, the kind of fun we had as kids. Does her mother let her cook in the kitchen, baking cookies, making a mess, licking the spoon? Is she out there having kid fun? Are her friends welcome over to her home, to be loud, play, mess things up a bit, without fear of reprimanding? Maybe her fear is symptomatic of deep rooted fear of failure in her parents' eyes. Like I said, I am speculating. Kids are under so much pressure these days from the outside world. Inside their home, it should be peaceful and calm, and where she has "down time", where nothing is expected from her except being loved on and loving and where she can simply be a kid, and let her hair down. Playing down the drama is the best you can do. I think you should keep doing what you are doing.....not making a big deal out of her reactions....and I also think you should talk to her parents to do the same as well....but I'm pretty sure she will grow out of it.....kids go through so many stages.....I believe if you keep down playing she'll get use to it and realize she doesn't have to do that for attention..... I wouldn't downplay or make light of her hissies or feelings, it's probably just making her want more attention/annoying her. In her mind she might be thinking you don't care about her/make her seek even more attention. It might make it worse (I'm not sure though). Just matter of factly check her hissy fit out, then ignore her. Possibly, distract her to another activity. I know this is easier said than done, but obviously this kid wants attention, or has gotten attention in the past for her actions (her parents) so you need to ignore her; show it's not going to work with Grandma. If she braves something through, give her credit later. Treat this as a behavior, first. And her hissy fits annoy you but they work for her somehow. What is she getting, accomplishing, with her hissy fits? Does she get help? Does she get closeness with someone she loves? Does she get rescued, and the problem vanishes? So, once you figure out what she is getting, then you start teaching a new behavior to get what she is currently getting with the behavior you don't like. If she gets help because of the hissy fits, then you make her use different words, and a different tone before you help her. Or Walk slowly when she is hysterical and when she is calm and asks for help, walk more quickly. Also, after you "help" her out of a bad spot, and she used hysteria to get your help, you can inconvenience her by giving her a writing assignment to tell what she is feeling when she is screaming and yelling. don't let her have the fun part of her life until this chore is done. Just make the bad behavior less advantageous and productive as the good behavior. As a leader and influencer in her life you can make the good behavior work better for her life than the bad behavior. Another really neat trick is to help her even though she had a hissy fit, but once the problem is gone, then rewind the tape, and make her ask for help it the correct way (model for her the right way for a 7 year old to ask for help and then make her do it 10 times before she can go on with her life.) Next time (model for her again, and give her the same script and make her ask for help 15 times the right way before going on to more fun things. Is this manipulative? Maybe. But explain to her that it is your job to make sure others can enjoy her, not just grandma. So, tell her that if grandma is bothered by something she is doing, and it keeps grandma from enjoying her company, then it is very likely that other's will really dislike it and will not enjoy their time with her. My sister a PhD early childhood school psychologist. Lottie I am the mother of a beautiful 7 year old girl. I have found children learn from example. Is there someone in her life that may act similar? |
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