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WRITING A PAPER.. help me with these sentences pleeeeaaasseee :)? |
THE TWO IN PARENTHESIS SOUND AKWARD HOW DO I FIX THEM? Lindsay and I heeled our kick stands behind us with excitement and soon we were gliding along on our bikes. Under the summer sun they carried the two of us down a dusty trail through Light House field. ((((((The knee high grass bordering our path was dry and hot, but still maintained it's happy green colors. Dogs of all breeds and colors froliced throughout while their owners mingled with eachother in shorts. ))))) Although the grass that brushed our knees was dry and hot, it still maintained it's happy green colors. While the owners in shorts mingled their dogs of various breeds froliced through the grass. They are awkward because the are not really strongly connected to the first two sentences. Try a simple "we could see" or "around us" to connect the scene of the dogs and their owners to the grass, and the path. The knee-high grass bordering our path was dry and hot but still maintained its happy green colors. Dogs of all breeds and colors frolicked about while their owners, all wearing shorts, mingled with each other. 1. hyphen in 'knee-high' 2. no need for comma after 'hot' 3. no apostrophe in 'its' 4. Just a slight re-wording of second sentence. (frolic is not spelt with a 'k' - but frolicked and frolicking have a 'k' like the other 'ic' words, panic, picnic, traffic.) . (There are any number of ways in which these sentences could be re-worded, but there's no need to drastically alter it from the way you have written it.) . Some corrections as the sentences appear: 1. Change it's to its (possesive pronoun). 2. froliced should be spelled frolicked (double check it). 3. In the first sentence color modifies grass, so it should be singular..."happy green color. I like "The knee high grass bordering our path was dry and hot, but still maintained its happy green color". I think it's (contraction for it is) very descriptive with contrasting ideas: dry & hot vs. happy & green. You may want to try getting more descriptive with the last sentence about the dogs. You seem to be able to put a lot of visual imagery in your writing so do the same with the dogs. Change the pace a bit; use a couple of short sentences to get the message across. Also, 'breeds' already implies that the dogs are different colors. To mention ...all breeds and colors is redundant. You could mention the dogs playing in one short sentence and then amplify the idea by focusing on one breed chasing another breed in another sentence. Finally, the sentence "Under the summer sun..." is O.K. However, I suggest that instead of 'they' (the bikes), make you and your friend the subject of the sentence. Keep up the good work, Earf! |
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