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I wrote an essay and would like to know any improvments i could make on it?(? |
The United States depends so much on oil that when oil prices go up it sparks interest on conserving oil. Since oil is an important part of modern life ,I chose to research oil for my summer assignment. There is a war going on over seas. I am not talking about the one that we are always hearing about in the news, Lebanon and Iraq. I am talking about the conflicts going on in the Nigerian Delta over oil. This little known part of the world is our nations fifth largest supplier. If Americans don鈥檛 want to ride bicycles for next century they should keep a closer eye on Nigeria. This conflict has been caused Ijaws and other tribes fighting 鈥渨ith each other and the federal government.鈥?(鈥淒ouble鈥︹€? I chose this as my project because this conflict has not been in the news often like other conflicts such as the conflict with Columbia, Iraq, Israel, Lebanon, and North Korea. This conflict doesn鈥檛 seem to bring the media鈥檚 attention, but I think the United States should keep a closer eye on Nigeria. I wanted to learn more on this conflict since oil is an important resource in America and through my research felt angered at the Nigerian government for their actions toward the people of Nigeria. Are the gas prices making you want to exchange your car for a bicycle? Why are gas prices so high? One reason gas prices are so high is, because of conflicts in the world. One of the conflicts in the world is located in Nigeria the have cut exports to the United States. Oil producing countries generate a large portion of their of their revenue from sale of oil. One such country is Nigeria; however the people suffer greatly because the country lives in poverty while the government becomes wealthier. The Ojaws have felt that some of the money produced by oil belongs to Nigeria. Nigerians will not allow the government to steal money that belongs to the people. Nigeria is in danger of being corrupt. When oil is discovered in a country that is 鈥減oor, (and) fighting over scraps,鈥?(鈥淒ouble鈥︹€? we would think it would be the end of poverty, but not so with Nigeria. Nigeria 鈥減ulls in $14 billion a year in oil revenue.鈥?鈥淒ouble鈥︹€? I blame the Nigerian government for not putting an end to poverty. Nigeria鈥檚 new wealth has been taken by 鈥減oliticians, in particular by the country鈥檚 military, brought to power in the country鈥檚 late 1960s civil war,鈥?(鈥 Rough鈥︹€? who have been robbing the country鈥檚 finance ever since. There is no reason that the people of Nigeria should be poor, because the oil has been found on their land and belongs to the people of Nigeria. The Ijaws used to be a 鈥渆asygoing minority tribes, earning their living with other tribes by fishing in canoes harbored in the board delta of the Nigerian River,鈥?(鈥淩ough鈥︹€? but that was forty years ago. Most of the country鈥檚 production comes from the Nigerian Delta which is now causing violent outbursts. The Ijaws are now destroying pipelines, setting fire to pipelines, protesting, selling oil they steal from pipelines and even kidnapping people. The country is in total chaos. Crime and Violence has caused a 鈥?0 percent drop in Nigeria鈥檚 oil production鈥?(鈥淩ough鈥︹€? which meant 鈥渁 shortfall of 455,000 barrels daily.鈥?(鈥淒anger鈥? They have even stepped up their attacks on foreign oil. Even Shell announced an evacuation in February of 2006 to evacuate 鈥渁n oil platform off its Atlantic coast as a precaution, shutting an additional 115,000 barrels a day.鈥?(鈥淣igeria鈥︹€? In January, 鈥渕ilitants held four men- from the United States, Britain, Bulgaria, and Honduras for 19 days before releasing them unharmed.鈥? (鈥淣igeria鈥︹€? Tribes like the Ijaws, that were once peaceful are now armed and have been fighting for years claiming to be fighting 鈥渇or better distribution of the country鈥檚 wealth.鈥?(Mouawad) I was shocked when I found out that even 鈥済roups who claim to be fighting for the interests of Niger Delta鈥檚 people鈥?(鈥淢ilitants鈥︹€? have actually 鈥渆volved into criminal gangs, adept at stealing huge amounts of oil to sell on black markets, the proceeds of which are used to buy ever more sophisticated weapons.鈥?(鈥淒anger鈥︹€? Even though the United States is not involved in the conflict, this conflict does affect the United States. Nigeria is the fifth largest supplier of oil 鈥渢o the United States, after Mexico, Venezuela, Canada, and Saudi Arabia.鈥?(Mouawad) Almost half of Nigeria鈥檚 oil is sent to the United States. Nigerian oil is prized by refiners because 鈥渋t is of a light, sweet variety that is easier and cheaper to refine that the thicker and sulfur-rich kind that comes from the Middle East and Venezuela.鈥?(Mouawad) Nigeria determines the price of oil in the United States. The United should keep a closer eye on Nigeria if they want to oil prices in America to go down. Nigeria has played an important role Africa and 鈥渋s crucial to all of West Africa, having provided the military troops and negotiating forums to quell civil war and related violence in neighboring countries.鈥?(鈥淒anger鈥︹€? Nigeria has also helped on fighting terrorism by trying to 鈥渕onitor and defuse an encroaching fundamentalism among its own Muslims.鈥?(鈥淒anger鈥︹€? Several American companies haves stakes in Nigeria such as 鈥淢obil, Chevron Texaco and Halliburton.鈥?(鈥淒ouble鈥︹€? In my opinion the United States is not doing anything to stop oil from rising. I believe the United States should be more involved with the conflict in Nigeria. I was shocked when I found out that everyone that claims to be helping Nigeria are only thinking about themselves leaving everyone in the country to defend for themselves. Oil has ruined Nigeria. The government has betrayed Nigeria from their share of oil. Even the people who took law in to their own hands to take revenge against the government have betrayed the country. The Ijaws who were once a peaceful tribe have evolved into a criminal gang. Meanwhile the rest of the world has done nothing to try and stop chaos. The rest of the world has ignored this conflict for too long, and are now paying the price at the pump. Why is Nigeria living in poverty? When Nigeria brings more than enough revenue to put an end to poverty among its citizens. If you've got the time, please set this essay aside for a while -- a day or even a couple of hours -- and do something to take your mind off it. Come back later with an observer's perspective and ask yourself whether the essay writer has stated what he intended to. Does the text flow from sentence to sentence or paragraph to paragraph or is it choppy? Don't be afraid if you have to rewrite; the goal of this essay is to communicate the author's point with supporting facts to as many people as possible. I'm not giving you direct critiques this time because your essay has to say what YOU want to say, not what I think it should say. Answer who, what, where, how, why, and who and make a genuine attempt at being understood and you'll have gone far with this and all your other writing. Good luck! You've done a remarkable job on this, and pulled together some interesting facts on a little known struggle in a very ignored part of the world. Your last two sentences should be combined into one. Most of your paper is written in an objective voice, but at the end, you say "I believe the United States should.." and "I was shocked" etc. Try to keep 'I' out of it and stay with your neutral, impartial voice. It's more effective. At the beginning, take out "Since oil is an important part of modern life...summer assignment... etc". It is obvious you have chosen oil to write about, and throwing this justification into the introduction only interrupts the flow of thought. Again, take "I'm not talking about.." out. Make it: Not the one.... etc. There are some minor proofing errors, but generally, you've done a very fine job. Are you going to give references for some of the stats and facts you quoted? Good luck with it. If you were my student, I'd be very happy. Sorry I can't help with this. It's just too long and you're asking WAY too much of anyone here. I suggest you do a spell-check (there are misspellings) and reorganize this. It's all jumbled up and there's no clear order to the content. And there are words missing in some sentences and words misused. Make those corrections and then ask a friend to edit it for you. Study Skills, Essay Writing. Essays remain an important method of assessment and enable examiners to discriminate between candidates, while also enabling candidates to display the skills and abilities which they possess. As the essay paper has evolved it has become more demanding with much more emphasis on posing questions which allow candidates to display the higher order skills. Professor Roy Wilkinson of Sheffield University has identified a pyramid of skills which A level examinations try to test. http://www.bized.ac.uk/reference/studysk... http://www.powa.org/ http://www.tee-garden.com/eberman/creati... http://www.editorsforstudents.com/... http://www.writinghelp-central.com/... http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/... http://essayinfo.com/ Kevin, Liverpool, England. Problem #1 is you didn't put what level of class this is for, so it's hard to judge. What if it's an excellent 5th grade paper and I think I'm ripping apart a university student? (note I haven't read it yet) -don't use first person -remove 2nd sentence, unless that was specifically asked for in the directions -don't blame anyone, just state the facts that will lead to that conclusion -highly disorganized -when getting numbers from outside sources, don't quote the numbers, but do cite it after, not they sold "100 million barrels/day" (source), but they sold 100 million barrels/day (source) -What's your topic? At first I thought it was telling why you picked this conflict to study for a larger project. Then it seems you're trying to convince people the US should be involved. Then you say action is needed to stop poverty, which you never really talked about til the end. -overall tone is way too informal -it seems almost all the hard facts are direct quotes, make more use of paraphrase -good facts in there, but the structure and organization of the paper obscure the point; rearrange so that the thesis is clearer Let me make several observations ; Your last paragraph should recapitulate your first paragraph. When you are discussing esoteric subjects such as the names of the tribes in Nigeria; it is wise to use a paragraph to introduce them to your audience. Your essay lacks focus. You have managed to intermingle several different subjects: The conflict between the haves and the have nots in Nigeria. the tribal conflicts in Nigeria and the ramifications for the West as a result of those conflicts.. You need to present those ideas separately. |
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