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| *Vultures Knob>>>Bicycle Shop |
What do you think? I just wrote this for fun. I know it's long but bear with me! thx!? |
Dave stared at the man standing opposite him. He was tall and menacing, with wiry hair, and flashing eyes. An unspeakable fear coursed through Dave. He tried to speak, but all he could do was whisper. He trembled, his hands shaking fearfully. The man did not speak, did not move, only stared at him. As if he could see past his face, his body, and deep inside of him. Dave started, then sat up in bed. He hated the nightmares he'd been having lately. He hated the way the man seemed to follow him, terrorizing not only his dreams, but his job, his bike rides, when he took Lorraine, his girlfriend, out for a movie. "I guess I should let go of these dreams," Dave said to himself. Then he laughed. "What am I, crazy? I'm talking to myself like a lunatic!" He rose from his bed to get ready for work. Later, when he was enjoying a break from fixing cars, Dave sat on a bench in the mechanic shop and sighed. He was exhaused from the morning's work. It was a clear spring day and the shop had been You are good sweetie. It shocked me really when you said you were only 12! As I was reading I was thinking you're much older. It's quite engrossing so far. Write more and post it and we'll see what happens to Dave. Your story opens up to a lot of possible plots and scenarios. Your grammar's quite good. I'd say you have the knack of capturing your readers' imagination and interest. Make Lorraine more interesting in the succeeding parts so she won't just be a "beautiful girlfriend" in the story. Good luck! Thanks for a good reading. Now, I won't be able to get Dave and his mystery man out of my head for a while. it was a clear spring day and the shop had been...what?! it's getting interesting. It's really good. I want to read more!!! Who is the man?!!! I like it so far... but I'm worried about Dave. You jump right into it, it moves well, it has some funny dialogue (when he's talking to himself/ when he calls his girlfriend "beautiful"), you give him some depth with his mechanic job and the relationship with Lorraine and it has suspense, too. Some of the wording is a little awkward... but editing can wait. First, we need to know what happens to Dave. For 12, this is very good. See if you can find some local contests to enter. You might also try keeping a journal, one on paper-- write down anything that comes to mind: things about your life, the people you see around you, descriptions of places, etc. That will be invaluable if you decide to continue writing as an adult; you will have the mind of a young person right there in front of you-- and endless ideas for stories. It will also help you see your growth as a writer. Good luck. i thought it was pretty good. i would take out a few words tho. ". . .skipping class and heading for a deserted alleyway to smoke and chat with friends in." i would take out "in". "gazing at, gazing at... well, what was he gazing at?" i would take out the 2nd "gazing" so it would be " gazing at, at. . ." i just think it would sound better that way, but other than that, its pretty good. email me the rest of it : danysax1@yahoo.com or saxamaphone93@aim.com You're 12?! That's very impressive. Hone your craft and I could see you being a great writer when you grow up. You have the potential to be a writer NOW! I'm thirteen and I love writing! Yu really should consider it butgo under a pen-name for protection. |
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